Oh, don't stop, Dawn.

Writing will clarify things for you and help you in more ways than you
realise. For one, writing is linear (unlike talking, which is
circular). This writing will allow you to "dump" onto paper all these
wild thoughts (psychiartrists use the term "circular thoughts")
bouncing around in your head right now. This will free up your mind to
accept new thoughts, new ideas.

You may recognise that some of the thoughts you may have had earlier
have no basis in truth (the emotionally loaded word is "delusions"),
so dumping them will allow you to make way for more realistic or
"truthful" thoughts to enter your mind.

On the altruistic side, anyone who reads your story (and everyone has
a story) will use it to reflect on their own story and help them see
their own situation in a different light. A small step towards
recognising their way forward will emerge.

Your mom probably doesn't know how to handle your situation and her
way of handling it is to be in denial ~ just shut herself off and
pretend it doesn't exist. Its not her fault she doesn't know how to
manage a daughter with bipolar (whoever gets taught these things,
anyway?).

All the "embarassing" stuff you have done are clearly a result of the
illness. Yeah, I've had my fair share, too. I cringe when I think of
some of them but its the illness expressing itself. You are not a bad
person, just ill. And mental illness can now be treated with meds
which have less side-effects (than say a decade ago) and we can learn
to manage our life better. Its a lifelong illness and we just have to
learn to manage it, and we do get better at it as we gain more
experience.

Of course, you are correctly concerned that you may have your children
taken away from you. But remember nobody wants to do this just for the
fun of it. The doctors, should they decide to recommend this, really
have good reasons for doing so. In any case, its not like forever. Its
only until you get well yourself and can better cope with life.
perhaps your mom or hubby can look after them. But please don't bring
your kids to hospital. A psychiatric ward is no place for kids to see,
not even for a visit. They can be traumatised for life.

I always liken having an episode to walking down a lane and falling
down a deep hole. Its too deep to climb out by yourself. You need a
ladder or rope or a helping hand. The ladder or rope could be
medications, the helping hand is your support group, husband, family
or social worker. So take the meds until you get out of the hole and
can stand on your own, walking (to mix metaphors) down the lane of
life on your own again.

BTW, I think you really need to do something a bit more vigourous than
yoga to work up a good sweat!

On 19/07/06, dawncurd <dfpapc@...> wrote:
>
> I spoke to my husband on the phone this evening and feel very
> confused and upset about things. Ultimately I think this
> depression/bipolar/whatever it is being faced up to will help our
> relationship, but it's very .... the word that springs to mind just
> now is embarrassing.
>
> I hope noone minds me explaining a bit more. I think it would
> clarify things a bit in my own mind.
>
> Basically when I was in my early 20s I was diagnosed with
> depression. I also used to self harm, and after a couple of years I
> had 2 suicide attempts. My parents were very "odd" about all this.
> I think it was partly what I mentioned yesterday - the "stigma" of
> mental illness, and also my mother's religious beliefs. SHe thought
> suicide was a sin, and she has often mentioned since, prompted by a
> TV news item or some such thing, that she has no time for people who
> attempt suicide as a cry for help and don't really mean to do it.
> Actually, thinking back, I didn't really want to do it, but it wasn't
> particularly a cry for help. I just had some exams coming up and
> couldn't stand the stress of waiting for them to happen any longer,
> so, I think, I just wanted to try and block out a couple of days.
>
> Don't be too alarmed, I'm not going to bore you with every detail of
> what happened and what medication I was on between then and now (I'm
> 36). To cut a long story short, I began to learn that people didn't
> want to know about my depression or whatever it was, so I tried to
> hide it as much as possible. If I was depressed I'd drink alcohol
> and then I'd have embarrassing incidents where I'd rant and rave and
> do other embarrassing things, but I'd just try and forget about them.
>
> Then when my first son was born 4 years ago I had to stop drinking.
> I managed to do this, even though before I was pregnant I used to get
> through on average a bottle of wine every night. Then my husband
> started drinking more and the first problem that came to a head about
> a year ago was his drinking. He was binge drinking more an dmore
> frequently and this in turn made me more depressed and more likely to
> self-harm, so I threw him out.
>
> Now tonight he has been explaining just how difficult my mood swings
> have been and how he used to stay at work and drink to keep away. I
> vaguely suspected this before, but if he's an alcoholic he's an
> alcoholic, and I didn't want him to make excused for it. He said he
> had no idea of how bad I felt, or how difficult things have been for
> me, until I explained it in a letter at the weekend. He also
> mentioned that my Mum and brother have mentioned how it's always
> either up or down with me, never in between.
>
> I don't' know quite what I'm trying to say now. I think just register
> the fact that I'm really saddened and embarrassed by all this and
> feel that I'm just a horrible person. He said I shouldn't be
> embarrassed, and it's just the opposite - I am ill and it's' not my
> fault, but I still feel bad. I've been thinking about how little my
> Mum supports me. She rarely phones. She has a little dog who comes a
> long way before me! My husband has said he could talk to her and my
> brother if I wanted him to, and try and enlist their support, but I
> think they had their chance 15 years ago and chose not to.
>
> Anyway, I think my path is to make a GP appt. I do quite often think
> about suicide, but I wouldn't really do it at the moment. God, my
> children don't even let me go to the toilet on my own, so how I would
> ever manage anything like that. I just sort of feel I would rather
> do without medication if I possibly can. I'd much prefer proper
> support from family and friends, but I don't know if they will all
> just hate me! As someone said on another message, it might be better
> not to describe bipolar (or even just depression, as I don't know if
> it's bipolar yet) to people who don't already know about it. The
> self help tips from Azlan were useful. I already follow most of
> those dietary guidelines, but I do find I crave cream and dairy
> products a lot when I am depressed. The 20 mins sweating sounds
> sensible. The only "sport" I have ever done that I have kept up and
> made me feel better is yoga, and I would like to get back into this
> soon. It takes a while to work up a sweat, but you feel so good
> afterwards.
>
> Had better stop.
>
> Dawn
>
>
>
>
>