he following posting about Haringey People magazine is reproduced
from Harringay Online, with kind permission of the author, Eddie
Finnegan. HP is a Haringey issue. Satirical genius or what? You decide!



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Splitting headache all day. That time of the month again.
Let me re-express myself. It's 2nd July and at 10.15 there plopped
onto my doormat my very own copy of 'Haringey People'.

'FREE FOR THE RESIDENTS OF HARINGEY' it trumpets. (I can just see the
residents of Hackney, Islington, Camden, Barnet, Enfield ... queuing
up to pay for their black market copies.) No, it bloody well isn't
free. Just like my so-called 'FREEDOM PASS: PAID FOR BY YOUR LOCAL
COUNCIL'. No, it bloody well wasn't. I've been paying for that for
decades, and I'm still forking out a princely £2.5K per annum for that
and a few other bits and pieces.

But don't get me started. Let's return to the (July) issue in hand, so
to speak.

Who are these Haringey People? Well, they seem to be a jolly set of
rather knowing yet childlike souls who go around opening this,
launching that, rolling out something else, exploring this
possibility, growing that, driving this forward - but always ON
CAMERA. They're usually in pairs - like hero(in)es of our childhood
readers: Peter & Jane, Dick & Dora, Janet & John - but mostly these
seem to be called Brian & Nilgun.

True, the pages of Haringey People sometimes allow for a few other
characters. George may welcome a new instalment with a cheery 'Failte'
and sketch out the story so far. Gina, cheerful yet strict matron of
her own ward, is allowed an occasional hearty 'Gia-su'. Lorna looks in
from time to time, quietly serious, to assure us that everything will
soon be under control. And to spread a little culture around, Dhiren
or Bob make the odd appearance.

Don't think that Brian & Nilgun are happy with such bit parts. Playing
at Doctors&Nurses in their own ward (St Ann's) bores them quite
quickly for this pair have other places to explore.

'Look, look! Brian is in a car.'
'Look, Nilgun, I'm driving my car.'

'Can I drive the car, Brian?'
'No, Nilgun, this is a SMART car - just like me.'

'It's a stupid car.'
'No, you're stupid, Nilgun. This is a Smart Green car.'
'I can see it's a green car - I'm not stupid.'

'Look, Lorna! I'm driving my new electric eco-friendly car.'
'But Brian, that is not your car. It's a pool car.'
'Yes, Lorna, and he said I was stupid. It's my turn now.

'Now Brian! What is our magic word?'
'Conservation, Lorna.'
'No, Brian. It's CON-SULT-ATION! Now it's Nilgun's turn.'
'Yeah but, no but ... I see a man with a camera. This is my photo opp
in my new Smart Green Electric Eco-friendly vehicle. Let Nilgun wait.'

'Boo hoo! I'm off to complain to Uncle George.'


And so they go their separate ways for a while. Nilgun teams up with
Lorna to advise Hazel Blears on her cohesive hair style and shade,
while the hirsutely challenged Immigration Minister feels distinctly
out of the script. Brian is off doing his Gentle Green Giant act,
waging a new war on litter. Who are his two helpers? They are not
named, for they are not REAL Haringey People - just two anonymous but
carefully representative Council sanitation operatives.

And so they continue page after page, getting acres of coverage in the
most unlikely feature articles. Page 23 sees them back together to
illustrate a piece called 'Keeping the Noise Down' - with not a hint
of a Noise Control operative in sight (Perhaps, like the SAS, they
can't be photographed.) But here we have a new Nilgun&Brian duo.
Brian, a little non-plussed, Nilgun in non-smiling Enforcement mode
look out to camera from a Fagin's Den of amplification which our
heroes have clearly just looted from the homes of some very deaf music
lovers.

So who was looking for new children's story material when we have such
a pair of lovable rogues falling through our front doors ten times a
year? Not since my Dandy and Beano days have I met a Dennis&Minnie to
match them.

But are they becoming over-exposed? You, dear Reader, must decide.