A woman fell down a short flight of stairs after a screening of Spy
Hard the other night. As she got up and dusted herself off, she
explained to friends that she was still in a trance from sleeping
through most of the movie. This anecdote is offered in a spirit of
caution.

Spy Hard, is done in the style of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker Naked
Gun series, but although the style is there, the jokes aren't. Spy
Hard relies on silly slapstick, takeoffs of recent films and the
shock effect of celebrity cameos. But all that exertion doesn't add
up to more than a handful of laughs.

The opening credits are done in the style of a James Bond film,
with "Weird Al" Yankovic singing the ``Spy Hard'' theme, straining on
the high notes until finally his head explodes. From there, it's all
downhill.

The best bits come in the first few minutes -- or maybe the jokes
just seem fresher then. In the first shot, Mr. T. appears piloting a
helicopter for the film's villain, General Rancor (Andy Griffith).
Agent Dick Steele (Nielsen) blows up the helicopter, but in the next
scene Rancor is back, with prosthetic arms, ready to take over the
world.

The story is too weak to work even as a clothesline for gags. ``Spy
Hard'' eschews a coherent story and instead just strings together
movie takeoffs.

Nielsen and Nicollette Sheridan, as a Russian agent, dance to "You
Never Can Tell," in a moment out of ``Pulp Fiction.'' But, typical of
Spy Hard, there's no payoff, no punch line. They just do the dance,
and the scene ends.

Later, Nielsen rides a horse in to an elevator as Arnold
Schwarzenegger did in ``True Lies.'' What's supposed to be funny in
this spoof is that when the elevator door opens, there's already a
horse inside. It's weak, but at least it's an attempt at a punch
line.

Celebrity cameos usually jolt audiences out of one reality into
another. But ``Spy Hard'' is little more than its cameos, so it comes
as no surprise to see Ray Charles driving a bus. Or Robert Culp as a
testy airline passenger. Or Dr. Joyce Brothers wrestling bad guys.

Nielsen, with his expert deadpan and sense of comic timing, creates
the illusion of humor. Thanks to him, what could have been an
unbearable experience becomes better. Mason Gamble played McCluckey.

Quotes from Spy Hard:

Thug: That's for Getting Even With Dad. And that's for My Girl. And
that's for My Girl 2.
McCluckey (Mason): I wasn't even in My Girl 2!
Both Thugs: We don't care!