--- In NVC-EducationUK@..., "Lorraine"
<lorrainekelly@y...> wrote:
> At the moment I am studying for a PG Cert in Management in FE and
one
> of the debates is the endemic nature of bullying in FE and I have
also
> been aware of the debate when I worked in secondary education. How
do
> you maintain a connection with a bully (or bullies) and at the
same
> time be non judgemental and be safe yourself?
>
> Warmly
> Lorraine

Hi Lorraine,
This is how I wouild imagine approaching the situation you describe
from an NVC perspective:
Firstly, by non-judgemental I presume you mean not judging the bully
to be 'wrong' or 'bad' or even a 'bully'. If I am using NVC I do
make 'judgements', but my judgements are life-connected, ie. based
on the needs alive in me that are being met or not met in any
situation. Making my judgements in relation to my needs, and
communicating my needs to others, is less likely to stimulate a
defensive reaction, or an attack from the other person.

'Bully' is a label that some people apply to a person who is meeting
their needs in a way that isn't meeting the needs of others,
generally by using some form of coercion, often involving the threat
of, or actual, physical or emotional hurt. If I relate to this
person as a human being rather than a 'bully', I imagine I will be
able to maintain a connection with them.

I can maintain a connection with this person by emapthically
connecting with the needs that are alive in them: either the needs
driving their 'bullying' behaviour, or perhaps more usefully the
needs alive in them whilst I am talking to him / her. In my
experience, when I am communicating with people who have a history
of violent behaviour, I feel confident that I will be safe if I am
able to maintain empathy with them, by accurately guessing their
needs, (or feelings, observations or requests). If I communicate
with them using jackal language - blaming, criticising, labeling or
judging them - they are more likely to get angry and hurt me in some
way.

As well as connecting with their needs, I would want to communicate
the needs in me that aren't being met by their behaviour. If I am
successful in getting them connected to these unmet needs in me, we
might manage to look at ways that they could meet their needs that
would also meet mine. E.g. how could they meet their needs for fun,
in a way that would also meet my need for people to show respect to
one another.

I was very struck by an article in the London Evening Standard about
4 months about a Head Teacher in a London secondary school who dealt
with a huge problem with bullying and behaviour in her school by
befriending 6 or so of the 'ring-leaders' in each year. She even
made some of them prefects and managed to turn the behaviour of most
of them around. I guess she related to them as 'humans' rather
than 'bullies'.

Sometimes someone I am trying to connect with may be in so much
pain, or have some mental health difficulties, to the extent that
they are not able to hear my attempts at connecting empathically
with them. If they also had a history of violent behaviour towards
others, I might want to take extra steps to ensure my safety, such
as having the support of other people when I approach them.

Does this help you at all, Lorraine?

Warm wishes,

Daren De Witt