I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
this is for the custard.'
--------------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy
said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign
it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I
said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put
it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of
voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having
me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a
skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He
then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The
police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the
road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting
on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to
do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'