It is the year 2006 and Noah lives in the PHILIPPINES.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with
water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning,
God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best
but there were big
problems.
First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans "did
not comply with the codes".
I had to hire their "engineering firm" and "redraw" the plans.
Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers.
Then my neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard,so I had to get a permit from the municipal planning office.
The Municipal Planning office told me to get a barangay clearance.
But when I went to the Barangay Captain,
he said I should first get a permit from the municipal planning office.
I got
confused.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating
Eagle.
I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles.
However,
the DENR won't let me catch any eagles.
So, no eagles.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no eagles.
When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two
of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment
on
your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a
globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax
and
failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft.
The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark
would be used by Garcillano to escape.
The PNP on the other hand insists that Mr. Arroyo might use the Ark to flee
to the USA.
Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the
Ark for
GMA's Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties.
Upon hearing my building the Ark, Congress did what they always do
---
formed a fact-finding committee.
I'm not worried about that though because they've never had anything done
anyway.
Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further
construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly...."The government is already doing that."
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