--- In bpdrel@..., "Doll-Face" <dezeray6969@...> wrote:
>
> I have recently been diagnosed with bp disorder, and PTSD! Its
been
> a hard thing to deal with, and it's destroying my relationship.
I've
> been with my boyfriend for 5 years this past november. Things have
> never been this bad. I am medicated, and i've tried to explain my
> extreme highs and lows to him, and how my moods will cycle. But he
> doesnt' get it. He's become very verbally abusive, and the
> accusations are rediculous.
> I've had cycles for a while with certain things, and i've always
been
> able to repress things that were very painful to me. I'm a very
> emotionally disrupted person and i know that. I'm trying to deal
> with my illness, and trying to make him understand. But things get
> worse everyday. I been smashing stuff and throwing stuff. I do
take
> my meds everyday too. I am so stressed. Right now i am in my
> depressed part of the illness. I'm tired all of the time, dont'
get
> excited about nothing, i can barely move, i fall asleep driving,
and
> setting here at the computer. It's crazy i have no energy and no
> drive. I hate it. When 2 weeks ago i felt on top of the owrld,
was
> going out and having fun and spending money. Yea that's another
> problem. I just don't know what to do
> I feel like everything is my fault. He even says it's all my
fault.
> I go from not being able to stand him to wanting him around and
> hugging him. Like yesterday i was throwing plates and pans at him
> and tonite, i'm huggin on him wanting to work things out.
> he's become very insecure when i am in my manic stage. He thinks
> everyone wants me and that any guy i talk to i'm sleeping with.
i'm
> trying to cope witht he illiness and the relationship and it's
hard.
> I'm not sure what i want now. I don't want to have no relationship
> and i don't want bothered by no one. Is that understandable? Or
am
> i screwed up? I just am lost.
>
uR NOT JUST SCREWED UP - THE F UCKING ILLNESS IS - BUT IT can GET
EASIER IF PPL BOTHER TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND U - IF UR BF WONT
UNDERSTAND IT WILL BE DIFFICULT - IM LUCKY COS I HAVE FAMILY WHO
UNDERSTAND AND HAVE MADE THE EFFORT TO DO SO BUT I WONT LIE. bEING
RAPID CYCLING BIPOLAR 1 MYSELF I know how hard it can be but dont
lose hope cos there are some really nice ppl out there in net land on
bipolar sites who u can even chat to in real time which really helps
me when im particularly depressed and find it hard to express my
feelings to those closest to me - also writing mood diaries and
poetry has helped tho i know i cant be bothered with that when i am
really depressed. Also i found that having things to do with my hands
helped me not self harm. I have found that trying to regulate my
sleep eating and exercise patterns when well has some tho limited
effect on the level of episodes i get but again i wont lie - i often
still dont see em coming - and importantly neither does anyone else.
I get hallucinations and delusions too and if i get those im really f
ucked without family help so find out who ur mates are - and if u
find they all melt away like a lot of fair weather friends do make
more - in safe bipolar sites or on a nice chat room as at least its a
diversion and gives one some sense of community - have been ill with
this sijnce i was about 17 but only diagnosed about 7 years ago (
which is typical im afraid for whilst bipolar is recognised as a
chronic condition no one seems to care enuff to research it!) I think
all us bipolars should find ways of letting the psychiatric
establishment know that our treatments are usually piecemeal and hit
and miss........Maybe affirmative action is my way of making myself
feel like im doing something useful when i feel otherwise useless.
Remember u may feel useless but ur not - u may feel lost but ur just
caught in a temporary cul de sac and u WILL feel better with some TLC
and also remember that u are NOT just a disease/illness/chronic
condition - u are entitled to ur feelings and thoughts and to some
sense of dignity and being listened to me - just like i am and just
like anyone else with this fetid illness is. Hang on in there girl!