well i have recently been told that i have anxiety, of which insomnia and depression stem from. i can pin point when it all started. well i have always been anxious for some reason. my mum is too and suffers from manic depression. she has had several nervous breakdowns and had electro convusion treatment or wotever it is and is now on lithium for life.

i was an anxious child scared of everything, always took me a while to get to sleep, couldnt sleep round other peoples houses properly. some bad things happened 2 like watching my mum go through a nervous break down, my dad being violent to my mum and me and my sis, one time was particually distressing when he cracked my mums head open and i went to hospital with her age 3, i still remember it. i hate blood now, have a phobia of it+violence on tv. along with bout 20 other phobias etc.

then when i was 12-14 my parents got divorced, my mum remarried, my dad left the country and havnt seen him since, we had to move and i left all my friends and everything i knew behind, i didnt want to go, my surname changed, everything changed and it was the first time i really felt i had no control over things in my life. everything just went downhill from there.

i got an obsession with some bloke at my new school, had just come from an all girls school, the obsession was covering my depression, then i left school and it all really fell apart. my obsession used me and dumped me, i threw a brick through his window, i got arrested for so many things well -4times and went to court twice, shoplifting etc, i started drinkin alot at 17, cutting myself, was so fucked up and antidepressants wernt helping i was totally suicidal am quite surprised im alive, i went anorexic at one point, i was sleeping around with men, and drinking2much, i got raped at one point i didnt even care it was the least of my problems, my parents were violent and verbally abusive to me, i was homeless at one point, i dont think theres anything i havnt been through actually its all quite blurry like a horrible nightmare, and yeah, i am worried that it could all happen to me again and that i will lose control :( and lose everything in my life that i have worked really hard on and sorted out. i live a careful life now, well as much as i can, but feel really trapped. i think i have andrenal exhaustion, just chronically tired all the time, every day is difficult, i never know how im gonna feel, cant plan ANYTHING its annoying, just feel knackered from it all like my head is spinning still years on, it only feels like yesterday.

anyway, am working on it x

--- On Sun, 1/6/08, edward randolph <ebjrandolph@...> wrote:

From: edward randolph <ebjrandolph@...>
Subject: Re: [dysthymia] Question
To: dysthymia@...
Date: Sunday, 1 June, 2008, 6:02 PM

Clair and John,

It went on for 40 years because I didn't know exactly what I was up against. Had I known it was dysthymia years ago I at least would have been able to plan my life around it and things would have been a lot easier. Also, I always thought that the next year would be better so I kept working on it but instead they just got worse year after year. I often compare my experience with a Nazis concentration camp inmate.

I was looking for information about depression when I saw the term 'dysthymia' and was curious. I clicked on the link and was startled to discover that the malady fit my life, my whole life!, almost exactly. For example my mother became depressed when I was four years old and I was sent to an orphanage for two years while she was treated in a hospital where she resided for 18 months. She was given the full round of electro-shock treatment. And, I must assume 'cause I don't remember that much, that the orphanage experience was traumatic for me as a four year old. So, we've got family history and early childhood trauma and that's just the beginning.

Can either of you(John and Clair) identify the origins of your affliction?

I told you that I'm passionate about vintage postcards and in the process of collecting them I acquired two that are appropriate for my condition. One is a happy new years card with the&nbsp;sentiments 'Health, Wealth and Happiness' on it and it was mailed in 1909 and I have it displayed over the kitchen sing where I can see it. The other is a birthday greetings and it wished the recipient 'Fair Thoughts and Happy Hours' and that one I have on my refrigerator. Once I figure out how I will sent you images of the postcards.

Fair Thoughts and Happy Hours

ed..