The origins of my affliction? I think it must be hereditary, My mother
has suffered from it all her life and with a few episodes of major
depression. As for me, I think I had my first bout when I started 3rd
grade at the age of 9. I have no recollection of that school year except
for not wanting to go to school. I'd fake a tummy ache and beg to stay
home and if my mother took me anyway I'd cry in the car on the way and
she'd usually take me back home. When asked why I didn't want to go I'd
say some boys were bullying me, though it wasn't true. I really didn't
know why at all. I now wonder if something was going on between my
parents and I thought I needed to stay home to protect my mom.
The only other thing I remember about the 3rd grade is that the doctor
put me on tranquillizers. It helped and I think I might have been hooked
on them because I'd ask my mom for them everyday.

After 3rd grade everything was fine. I had a pretty normal childhood and
adolescence. I enjoyed all the usual teen things like hanging with
friends, smoking a little weed, drinking a little beer, etc... I fell in
love at 17 and got my heart broken but that's pretty normal too. I got
over it (for the most part).

Got married at age 21. Been married now for nearly 29 years. What I
thought of as moodiness began after marriage and regrets and longings
soon became a part of my life. I was looking for a way out of my marriage
so I could pursue the things I thought I had missed or might make me
happy. Moodiness gave way to apathy and apathy became full blown
depression and then about 10 years ago I sought counseling and was
diagnosed with dysthymia. I can't say much has changed except that I know
what I'm dealing with and I do try to overcome it. (sometimes I wallow in
it) Meds have helped and meditation too.

I'm 50 now and still like to believe that the grass is greener on the
other side. So I still hope to graze there some day.

John
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