Fans of B-movies should love this list... oh, and you
can find the Evil Overlord Website at...
http://www.eviloverlord.com/

And I'm posting this in hopes of stirring up lots of
plot bunnies!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If I Ever Go On A Hopeless Quest Against The EVIL
Overlord...

Okay, by now we all know the things not to do if we
ever become the Evil Overlord. But what about the
other side? Those who venture to overthrow the Evil
Overlord a/so appear to be in need of some sensible
advice... by Walt Freitag

1) I will not enter the Evil Overlord's stronghold
disguised as a guard or henchman, unless I "intend" to
be discovered and captured at the worst possible time.

2) If I absolutely must disguise myself as one of the
Evil Overlord's guards or henchmen, I will not dispose
of the real guard or henchman by knocking him
unconscious and tying him to a towel rack - I will
kill him.

3) When my intrepid party reaches the scenic over-look
point where the vast array of the enemy's evil yet
fascinating military-industrial facilities is spread
out in an awesome tableau below us, we will not all
crouch down and stare at it. We'll assume that the
enemy's border guards also enjoy the view from that
vantage point, and get our buns out of there pronto.

4) I will not trust the closest friend and
comrade-in-arms of my heroically deceased father.

5) I will not trust my heroically deceased father. The
chances of his being really heroic and really deceased
and really my father are remote.

6) Before embarking on the quest, I will suggest to
the Council of Ancient and All Knowing Yet Oddly
Powerless Beings that instead of hiking hundreds of
leagues on foot into the Dark Land and being airlifted
out by the Great Wind Lords, we do it the other way
around.

7) As soon as the Evil Overlord's threat becomes
apparent I will hunt down and kill the bully who
tormented me as a child, before he has a chance to
either (a) become the Evil Overlord's trusted
lieutenant or (b) gain my trust, join my cause, and
then betray me.

8) I will not make wisecracks to my torturers. They're
just trying to do their job, and I'm secure enough in
my heroism not to have to prove it by withstanding the
extra-severe torture they reserve for those who piss
them off.

9) If any of my compatriots begins to tell me about
his loved ones back home, or his plans for an idyllic
future career, I will slap him until he shuts up. This
may not save his life, but what kind of hero would I
be if I didn't at least try?

10) If the evil minions are attempting to kidnap my
girlfriend, I will not send her into hiding with her
kindly old grandfather in his remote mountain cabin.
I'll send her into hiding in an apartment in Brooklyn.

11) If my dead mentor appears as a glowing apparition
and tells me what to do, I won't argue with him.

12) If my sidekick, who I last saw being dragged away
by Legions of Terror, rejoins me unexpectedly, seeming
perfectly unscathed except for a slight halt in his
speech and a glassy-eyed look, I will not congratulate
him on his lucky escape. I will lie about which
direction I intend to proceed, then tell him to stay
here and cut off pursuit.

13) After escaping in any vehicle that's been parked
in the Evil Overlord's territory for more than ten
minutes, I will not proceed to my allies' secret
sanctuary until I've changed vehicles, or found and
disabled the homing device.

14) After obtaining a glowing jeweled rune-inscribed
dagger from an ancient tomb that the ghost of the
greatest wizard of the previous age led me to in a
vision, I will not wait until all my other weapons
have failed, and half my colleagues have been
devoured, before trying it out against the fearsome
monster's seemingly-invulnerable hide.

15) After I journey across the Desert of Despair, past
the River of Blood, and through the Forest of Darkness
to seek the counsel of the Ancient Ones, I will
occasionally listen to their counsel.

16) Should I succeed in my quest, I will not agree to
become High King over any kingdom rude enough to throw
me a surprise coronation.

17) Should I succeed in my quest, I will not
jeopardize my newly established heroic image. I will
not engage in celebratory sex with the heroine without
first making sure we are not under surveillance. Also,
my comrades and I will not, under any circumstances
whatsoever, pose in a row and applaud ourselves.

18) When the Evil Overlord says, "Surely you don't
want to be responsible for any more innocent lives?" I
will not reluctantly drop the Sword Of Fate to the
floor. Instead, I will point out that I'm not the one
slowly lowering the adorable elf child into the pit of
boiling lava, He is. If he presses the issue, I'll
further assert that he was lowering elf children into
boiling lava long before I arrived and, should my
quest to destroy him fail, would continue doing so
long after I'm gone, so I'd rather keep the Sword Of
Fate for myself, thank you very much.

19) Comical yet sinister, pathetic yet greedy,
cowardly yet cunning individuals will not be permitted
to join or assist the quest. Although they always
redeem themselves in the end, their acts of redemption
are rarely worth the three or four betrayals they
require to work themselves up to it,

20) If my girlfriend is in clear imminent danger of
becoming the next designated Sacrificial Virgin, I'd
at least suggest the obvious solution, even if it gets
me slapped.

21) I will consider darkness, mist, dense forest,
eerie rock formations, labyrinthine corridors, and
subtle signs of stealthy pursuit by unseen foes to be
good reason to avoid splitting my questing party up,
rather than as golden opportunities to do so.

22) When my sidekick and I back away from each other
with weapons drawn, heading in opposite directions
around a pillar, we will anticipate the inevitability,
of meeting again on the far side of the pillar.

23) If my most powerful weapons operate only when I'm
in a particularly confident self-assured frame of
mind, then before venturing one step into the Evil
Overlord's Domain, I will see a competent psychiatrist
to resolve any feelings of guilt, self-doubt,
inadequacy, traumatic stress, or other miscellaneous
angst I might be afflicted with. If that's not
feasible, I will pop Prozac like it was candy.

24) I will maintain a realistic idea of the
capabilities of each member of my quest. Individuals
whose main benefit to the effort is comic relief will
not be assigned to guard objects whose loss or theft
could mean the end of the world. On the other hand,
individuals with tactically invaluable skills, such as
the ability to sense the approach of enemies or
override the automatic systems of an enemy
installation, will not be treated as comic relief no
matter how cute they are.

25) When I trick the humbling henchmen into stealing
the box that once contained the Artifact of Power
after I've removed the artifact from it, I will not
put a cute little note reading "Fooled ya!" inside.
This is rude. A kilo of C-4 and a detonator is more
appropriate to the occasion.

26) I will never accept a magical power token from a
mentor without inquiring, "Does this really do
any-thing, or is it just a psychological ploy to get
me to release the mysterious power I have within
myself. Let's sort this out now, so I won't have to do
it sometime when there's only five seconds left to
save the day"

27) Unless my name is Jackie Chan, after disabling
three attackers, one wielding a pistol, one a machine
gun, and one a stick, I will not pick up the stick.

28) Should my strategic brilliance impress the Evil
Overlord to the point where he offers to make me his
commander-in-chief and heir, ill but join his cause, I
will agree immediately. Neither of us may be sincere,
but it's easier to get to the self-destruct button
from the Command Center than from the Execution
Chamber.

29) If I succeed in reaching my girlfriend during a
rescue mission deep in the Evil Overlord's stronghold,
we will not linger to kiss, sob in relief or quiz one
another about how we got there or why we're wearing
such strange clothing. We will depart immediately.

30) If the Evil Overlord's beautiful but evil consort
or daughter attempts to seduce me in the dungeon or
torture chamber, I will not respond by informing her
what sort of unpleasant animal I'd rather touch than
her. My mission is too important to waste such a
valuable tactical opportunity on petty
self-indulgence.

31) When I crawl out of my cell through the large air
duct that opens into it, I will not make it easy for
the guards to figure out how I escaped by carelessly
leaving the flimsy cover open behind me. Replacing the
cover will delay pursuit, and will also avoid ruining
things for future prisoners who may want to escape
just as much as I do.

32) Shooting the Evil Overlord in the back would not
make me just as evil as he is.

33) Obtaining vital information by torturing the Evil
Overlord's captured henchman would not make me just as
evil as he is.

34) Letting the Evil Overlord fall to his death would
not make me just as evil as he is.

Things I'll never say

"Nothing can go wrong now."
"What else could possibly go wrong?"
"Things couldnt possibly get any worse."
"Come on, guys, we're home free!"
"Of course it's a trap, hut what choice have we got?"
"Scooby, stop sniffing around that peculiar stone idol
and help us find a way out of here."





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