Kasey, I know exactly how you feel - I've been
there. You do have mild OCD to do with the locks and
fear of contamination, but this is very common,
together with obsessional hand-washing.<br><br>All my life
I have suffered terribly, being totally under the
control of stressful OCD; but I beat it in a year with
cognitive behavioural therapy at Bethlem Royal Hospital
near London. All it means is that you HAVE TO FACE
YOUR FEARS however bad it makes you feel. The longer
you do this, gradually the fear subsides until you
reach a stage where you realize it's just your mind
playing tricks, as it has learned to do, and then you
progress to ignore them to stop them ruining your
life.<br><br>My problem started with childhood experiences with a
neurotic mother with no love,and being an only child -
very lonely and introverted as a result. You may well
have had an excellent and happy childhood, and another
trigger will be responsible for the start of the OCD. Try
to think back to specific disturbing episodes that
may have been the start of it, or contributed to it
among other things.<br>Fear of infection was one of my
terrors when I started work as a veterinary lab
technician; I was a bacteriologist, the worst possible thing
I could have done. Then came the
breakdowns...<br><br>But enough about me. I KNOW you can beat this because
I did, and importantly I know HOW I did it! I now
have friends which I didn't have before, and they are
all OCD sufferers. We lived and worked together at
the awesome task of beating this thing, knowing how
we all felt. We had the common factor of not being
understood, or wanting to be, by even our closest family. We
had the support of each other and built on
it.<br><br>I am dedicated to helping others with OCD, because
I got better and want others to be free from it, to
enjoy the light of living outside of the dark prison
that OCD/depression creates. I was in bed constantly
for four years when I had given up all hope. I turned
to dark thoughts and wrote dozens of dark poems.
Every night I wanted to die in my sleep, or indeed
anyhow.<br>I am fiercly anti-religion and the belief in
mind-created gods. We all have to find the strength to believe
in OURSELVES and not some fantasy deity figure.
That, paradoxically, turned my mind to the dark-side as
being far more of a reality of mind than any
supernatural entity.<br><br>I don't believe in Satan as an
antithesis of God, I don't believe in anything supernatural;
it's just that dark thoughts and writings actually
helped me get it out in the open. It was my mind
swinging back and forth looking for a way out of the
mental torture I was living with constantly. Looking at
your e-mail links I think you are going through the
same dilemma. <br><br>I am not a bad person for
thinking in this way. I think it is because I have a
strong scientific upbringing which seeks truth, and not
to be lured into a religious fantasy-world in order
to fill my existential vacuum. It is now filled with
meaningful sense.<br>Like you Kasey, I am into death-metal,
because to me it represents a truth; the world cannot be
viewed through rose-tinted spectacles as it is with the
pop music scene.<br>I am pessimistic, so when things
go wrong in life I accept it as being a normal state
of affairs. When something good comes along, then
that is a bonus and exciting. My belief is that
optimists will always face inevitable
disappointment.<br><br>I have gone on far too long into the early hours of
Wedensday!! I would be very pleased if you could let me know
if you identify with my rationalizations. I have
another e-mail address:
jag666@....!!!<br><br>All Best Wishes: JAG.