hello Ruthie,

I feel bad for you, i hope you are ok and can get through this. I feel really
stuck too, Some days i feel like i'm getting better but then i have a bad day
and feel like i might lose my job and then how could i pay my rent? On those
days it feels like the end, but i get out of it somehow. I stay at my mum's on
the weekend but i don't have a bedroom there so i have to do my hair in the
bathroom where no one can see me. I get so frustrated because within five
minutes somone is banging the door down to get in there and i have to rearrange
the bathroom to do my rituals (hang towels over the window and stuff) so it
takes ages just setting everything up before i even start my hair.

I am a girl, i have short hair. I have thought about growing it, but even when
i can manage to stop cutting it i can't stop myself going to the hairdressers
every few weeks and it never grows long enough.

It stops me staying at friend's houses because i feel like I can't lock myself
in their bathroom for hours at a time. My boyfriend lives with me now but it
means that i can't get away to do my hair cutting so i'm finding that difficult
at the moment. I'd like to tell him that i cut my hair but i'm afraid that he'd
look at me strangly and start focussing on my hair. Even if he wasn't i'd
imagine that he was and it'd make make me crazy.

My family tend to think that i don't really have a problem because they can't
see it the same way as i do. they don't appreciate how much time and energy this
thing takes up and how every thing else that i do is made much more difficult.
Even just going out to the shop, or getting on a bus.

I have a mirror phobia because i can't look myself in the mirror unless the
curtains are closed and the mirror has to be a tiny one just about big enough
for me to see a bit of my hair at a time. it's amazing how many mirrors there
are everywhere, shops, restaurants, shop windows, any windows. if i'm in the
back of a car i have to sit on the left side or else i can see my relection in
the rear view mirror!

I have other ocd behaviours too. when i was a little girl i was obsessed with
being clean, when i got older that one seemed to fade but was replaced by an
argument that i had to go through in my head about god and whether he existed. I
wouldn't go out until i had gone thorugh this ridiculous argument with myself.
my hair problem has lasted longest and had the most debilitating affect on my
life.

I find it difficult to talk about this face to face because people can look at
me while i'l explaining it and i'd rather just hide, i can't look them in the
face. So it's nice to have somone to talk too. it helps to know that there are
other people out there with these problems. I hope you find some peace soon
Ruthie.

Take care,
Hugs
Nicky

Twilight51@... wrote:
Hi Nicky ,Thank's for asking i'm about the same meaning i'm still
obsessing ,and spending hours on my hair ,and alot money on hair
products,my dr told me stress may caused me to delveopl alopecia i'm on
the internet looking up everythng i can find on itdrives me crazy ,Well
i am thinking taking paxil 50 mg ,becoz i never have peace of mind ,
..Nicky i''m sorry to hear you are still having the hair problem, i
would tell the people at work about your OCD ,i'm sure they would
understand .. i tell others ,it's something we can't help at times
......wow you shaved your head i FEEL so bad for you ,i wanted to ask
are you a girl ,becoz i have few nicole's in my family and nicholas the
reason i ask also i was wondering is your hair long, i can imagine what
you go through , You know when my B/F or family ask me to go somewhere i
have to know the day ahead ,i can never go unless i spend all those
hours on my hair, my family trys to understand ,anything has to do with
HAIR even my eyelashes i sit with an eyecurler longer than one should
,and now that i have this alopecia problem ,some people can lose all
their hair ...well i will need more than paxil for sure ,my
pyschiatrist, doesn't spend much time with me ,my sister will say i
never thought a simple thing as hair could disrupt your life ,i tell her
shes lucky she isn't one suffering, really ,it seems no matter how much
of an early start i get try and get through this ritual ,i still can be
late ,Nicky do you have any other ocd problem's ,i have germ phobia and
superstions meaing if i don't do something certain way i feel like
something bad will happen, it's so frustrating i just feel STUCK ,is
that how you feel? i wish their was something i can say that would help
you, now i am obsessed with losing my hair ,thats all i need ,i look for
reasurrance constantly from famly /my BF my dr said thats what most ocd
suffers do,...Please let me know how you are doing ,it feels good not to
be feel alone living with ocd ,take care keep in touch e mail me
anytime :} Hug's to
you Ruthie



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